Parenting Guide : The Magic Wand of Parenting

Children are born virtually powerless and rely on us to dress them, feed them, bathe them, and put them to bed. If your baby refuses to eat or sleep you recognize you cannot force him to comply, so you try different food, shuffle the sleeping schedule, and do everything you can to get him working with you.

As your children get older and more verbal, you might begin to lose your willingness to see it their way and start to insist they comply with your wishes. They continue to develop stronger opinions, while you become more and more determined to have it your way. Most days you truly believe that what you are enforcing is necessary for your child's safety, health, or well-being. Sometimes though, you know you are determined to get your way because you are tired, irritated, embarrassed, or otherwise bothered.

Parenting Guide : The Magic Wand of Parenting

Parent Power refers to the authority given to us as parents to enforce rules and boundaries with our children in order to teach them right from wrong.

When it comes to an impasse, in which your child simply won't see your side of the message and you aren't willing (or able) to go with his, Parent Power is like a magic wand that you can use to make sure your wishes come out on top.

Of course, it's not as easy as simply wielding a wand and magically gaining compliance, but this power does allow us to utter statements like "Because I said so," or "As long as you're under my roof" and believe them to be true.

Ultimately though, Parent Power relies on your child believing you have this authority for it to work.  It weakens when you are inconsistent, forget to follow- through or push too hard and cause your child to call your bluff.

When kids figure out that while parents can make their lives miserable there is really little they can do if their child absolutely refuses to comply with their wishes, Parent Power becomes obsolete!

To keep Parent Power working best it must be used by a calm, controlled parent. As your child grows, her power naturally increases until eventually you will find yourself relying on the respect you have built with her to gain cooperation. If you haven't used your power in the early years to build this respect, things can get extremely challenging when your child gets older.

In the ideal situation Parent Power is used as a backup after other tools have failed to work.

To illustrate, let's pretend you ask your three year old daughter to come and clean up her crafts.

She ignores you and sits down at the computer ready to play. You walk over, place your hand calmly across the keyboard, and assertively tell her, "I've asked you to clean up your crafts, do that first please." She whines and fusses insisting you remove your hand and saying she'll clean up later. Taking a calming breath, you give her an option, "Clean up your crafts before playing on the computer or the computer is off for the day and you can go to your room while I clean up your crafts."

Parenting Guide : The Magic Wand of Parenting

She doesn't listen and angrily begins tugging at your hand. You pick her up and carry her to her room calmly but firmly. As you set her down you remind her she must stay there until she has calmed down and is ready to listen. In this situation, you have modeled assertiveness and options statements before using your Parent Power to enforce your instruction.

The problem with Parent Power arises when you skip the learning piece and jump straight into getting your way. In other words, you ask (or demand) your child clean up her crafts and when she doesn't listen, you pull out your power to make her do it.

"That's it! You're off the computer and you might not even get to go play with Emily like we had planned if you don't smarten up.  Clean up your mess, now!"

You know how badly she wants to go to her play-date with Emily and you are using that knowledge, and your ability to cancel it, to make her do as you say. When this happens you set yourself up for power struggles, boundary testing and much future heartache (not to mention Emily's disappointment).

Becoming aware of your parent power and how to use it wisely is an important step to using this magic wand as it was intended.  It also will help you build a relationship with your child that will work much more effectively, even when your power is exhausted.