Parenting Guide : My Teen Disrespect Me?

Do you experience any of the following?

• That tone that makes you feel completely disrespected 
• That "know it all" attitude that absolutely drives you crazy 
• Yelling and fighting that leaves you hurt and exhausted day after day 
• Continuing to text, surf Facebook, or play video games when you are trying to connect 
• Constant bickering and arguing that just never ends 
• Passive resistance ("In a minute Mom") that leaves you feeling stuck and helpless 
• Completely ignoring you like you don't even exist 
• And other annoying or upsetting behaviors

Have you actually taught your teen to treat you this way?

Here's the bad news, it's possible that you have.

Parenting Guide : My Teen Disrespect Me?

However, it's not your fault. Many of us had our emotional boundaries violated as children. Were your ideas put down or made fun of? Were your concerns minimized or invalidated? Were you told what you should do, how you should think, and how you should feel, and given the general impression that what you did, thought and felt were essentially wrong? If you answered yes to these questions, join the club. Many of us had similar experiences.

It's not that we were singled out for this type of treatment. As a society, we have put a lot more emphasis on being heard than on listening. While everybody's talking, there's nobody listening. In our collective frustration, we've said mean and hurtful things, while dismissing each others' feelings. Many of us got used to this type of communication as children because we were surrounded by it. It makes sense that as adults, many of us are largely unaware of our own emotional boundaries. It also makes sense that our children's tone or attitude didn't grab our attention until it was way over the line. As parents trying to set some boundaries with our teens, we can literally be at a loss for words.

Here's the good news. You are right where you are supposed to be!

That is the tricky thing about boundaries. You don't know what your boundaries are until someone over steps them. Let me demonstrate how it works. Imagine we are together in a workshop setting. I am standing about 20 feet away from Barbara and I ask her to stand up. I tell Barbara that I am going to walk toward her, and when I reach the distance from her that is comfortable for talking, she should just say stop. I walk a few paces, Barbara says stop. I complete the step that I am in the middle of and stop.

I am standing right on top of her.

My physical distance from her is uncomfortably close. You can see it in her facial expression and body language. I ask if that was where she really wanted me to stop and she says no. Then I take one step back and ask if this is really where she wanted me to stop. She laughs a little and relaxes and says yes.

This is how it works with boundaries. You don't realize your boundaries are being overstepped until you start to feel uncomfortable. Then of course, it's too late. However, you really weren't in a position to speak up until it got to that point.

So relax and be gentle with yourself. You are right where you are supposed to be! There are tools available to help you clarify your boundaries, and define how you want to be treated. Having your boundaries overstepped can be the catalyst to creating the relationship you desire.

Parenting Guide : My Teen Disrespect Me?

One of the most difficult things about setting boundaries is knowing what your boundaries are in the first place. Jane will be breaking it down in a Free webinar "Boundaries, The Limits of Love" on Friday, July 27, 2012 at 2:00pm EST.

Here is what you will learn:

1) How do I know when it's time to set boundaries?
2) What barriers can I expect to encounter?
3) How can I communicate my boundaries clearly?